An Open Letter to God: My first day at the Gym

Dear, Dear God,

Please forgive the barrage of cuss words currently exploding across my synapses but I joined the Gym today. I joined the gym AND I got a personal trainer.  His name is Nigel.  God, please bless Nigel’s sweet smiling face but Lord just the thought of it right now creates feelings of panic and fear that pushes me to the verge of tears.  I can still hear his voice across the room “Wilson!  Give me another rep!”  “Wilson!  Ten more!”    We started with a fitness test.  I had to walk on the treadmill at varying inclines for a specified amount of time.  I thought I was doing well... no heart pounding out of your chest can hardly breathe feeling. I was cool. I was calm.  I even thought to myself—it’s a lucky thing I climbed those mountains last two weeks.  I might actually be fitter than I thought.  I did notice my heart rate on the monitor was fluctuating kinda highish for the slow rate I was doing but I mean, it’s not like I’m sweating that much, right?    We went to his office to view the results and Lord, I should have expected it but I didn’t.  He looked at me and said ok, things are very, very, very, very, very, bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad!  And I’m thinking , “So many bads, huh?”  He shows me the computer generated graph of my fitness results.  The Y axis had grid marks with varying levels of fitness.  The first mark (nearest to the X axis) said “Poor”.   My pink bar graph didn’t even make it there. My fitness level was higher than X-axis but lower than Poor.... Lord, if I was any less fit, what would I be??? In a wheel chair?  On crutches? Dead????  I stared at the graph and wondered, how long would I be able to last if I didn’t change my current  fitness routine of nothing?

The fitness test over, he gets me on a machine contraption that squishes me together in such a way that my body seems to fold in half with my knees up to my chest.  My abdomen was sandwiched between my thighs and my vertebrae, topped with pushed together DDs  Wasn’t sure if I was going to a) die from suffocation as my face shoved too close to my chest or b) die from embarrassment if I accidentally passed gas, 'cause folded over like that it just seemed....well, anyway...thank you so much, God, that neither of those things happened and I lived to write this letter.

A whole bunch of repetitions of squats, crunches and arm lifts later I limped towards Nigel.  I think he could see in my eyes that I was done.... he tried to make a joke... “Oh gosh girl, doh limp so... it eh dat bad.”    All I could do was raise an eyebrow...  He’s like “Yuh legs feel like jelly?”  I nod while thinking, “Yep.  As well as all my internal organs.”  He continues in an everything is normal tone, “You’ll be a little sore tomorrow, but I still want you in the gym, eh!”  I attempted a smile, but  I think it may have come off as a grimace.  Before I left, somehow he got me to commit to 4x a week and a promise to bring a written contract of commitment to exercise and eating properly.  I would sign it and he would sign it.   He would do his part to get me where I wanted to be.  The question is, he asked, will you do your part?   I smile/grimace again.

God,  my prayer right now is that tomorrow, when I’m ready to run in the opposite direction,  that I won’t consider that to be my exercise replacement for the day and I’ll head to the gym instead.  

xoxoxo,

Delamae

Walking down and up Mount St Benedict's

“I don’t wanna do this anymore…” I whined with great fervor.

 “Come on,” Davley encouraged, “Enjoy the surroundings—It was your idea anyways!” 

“Next time just slap me and say No!” 

We were walking down Mount St. Benedicts with the intent of walking back up.   Earlier that afternoon  we were relaxing in my Mom’s living room when I heard, “Want to hike up Mount St Benedicts?”  I looked around the room to see who had asked the question.  Davley looked at me with contemplation and said “ Yeah, let’s do it!”  I looked around the room again… nobody in the room ‘cept Davley and me!  By elimination, I realized that the original question came from me!  Why, why do I let these things leave my brain and float out of my mouth???  ‘Cause nobody, nobody ever says no!!    Fast forward 2 hours and here we are  at St. Benedicts with another bright idea that involves parking at the top of the hill, walking down and then up as opposed to starting at the bottom and coming back down.    At first it didn’t seem odd, but it turned into an unexpected mental torture.  It was taking us like 20-30 minutes to get down the hill.  If it was taking us that long to descend, what about coming back up???  The only thing I was happy about was the fact that I had set out to defy the Boob Challenged Coeefficient and succeeded.  Wearing a regular bra PLUS a sports Bra had my boobs strapped in place. I could do a jump ‘n’ jack to the moon and nothing would move.  Funny though, even with this accomplishment, I didn’t really want to jog… it’s so… tiring…   Anyway, we’re still heading down with me trying to do my usual mind over matter mental technique and go with a this-is-fun-just-inhale-the-fresh-air-and-listen-to-the-little-birdies-chirping attitude but what I was ending up with was what-the-heck-am-I-doing-how-on-earth-will-I-get-back-up-this-mount???  An old man passed us.  He was going in the opposite direction. Yes, he was going uphill with his plus-sized paunch and barely a sweat. I wasn’t sure if this was a moment for encouragement or a moment for panic.  I didn’t get a chance to debate for long because we rounded a bend on the winding road and I realized we were still far away from the bottom.  Panic hit.  “Don’t worry,” says Davley “ We’ll take it slow.  It’ll be a casual walk”. “Uh-huh” I said with not even fake-enthusiasm.  I knew I was psyching myself out but I didn’t know how to stop the mental negativity.  Finally we got to the bottom.    “Ok, here we go—Let’s head back up!”    We started walking.    We’re climbing and I was waiting for the I-know-I’m-about-to-pass-out-feeling but it never came!!  I stretched my legs for broader paces and kept climbing. “Take it easy!”Davley says, “Just pace yourself.”   Me, all cocky and obnoxious, “You don’t know what I’m doing!”  Davley with raised eyebrow, “okaaaayyy.”  Three seconds later I pause for a breath.  Davley passes me without a word.  I pretend to take in the surroundings, “ Oh look at that mango tree. Was that there on our way down?”  No answer.  I’m not sure if she heard me or if she ignored me.  I start back with a new spurt of energy craving the accelerated heart beat, feeling the blood surging with strong cardiovascular pumps throughout my body!  Yayyyyyyyy Exercise!  Before you know it we’re back at the top.  And you know what?  It really wasn’t that bad.  Seems like who ever cut the roads up to the top did it at a nice sloping angle so that the incline doesn’t feel as steep as you ascend.  Which is probably how the old man (and myself) were able to do it with limited problems.

Moral of the story:  Try not to psyche yourself out with negative thinking.  It might actually be easier than it looks.

The Day After...

“I don’t feel anything.”  Everyone in the car glanced at me waiting for an explanation.  Had sudden paralysis hit me?  Was I having circulation problems?  Had my leg fallen asleep?  I repeated myself and explained, “I don’t feel anything—no aches and pains from yesterday’s hike.  Usually, I’m aching all over.” I got a few muttered responses from the car, “Hmmm”  “Nice”  “Oh”.    It wasn’t a big deal to them, and really it wasn’t a big deal to me, but it had caught my attention.  2 months ago and 10lbs heavier, I had attempted the same hike and not made it to the top.  I was wondering if the loss of weight had made yesterday’s attempt more accomplishable….hmmm…I thought about this again at the end of the day when I found myself running in place while watching the premier of Selena Gomez’s new music video on Disney. Jogging in place, moving my arms, doing knee-ups… What was going on?  I had some extra energy I wanted to burn off… “Extra Energy??”  My mind was trying to wrap itself around this concept.  "Hey Johann, Wanna do an exercise dvd with me?”  “Sure!” Popped in the Abs Diet DVD and did the 25 minute workout.  I couldn’t believe  I was getting through the jump ‘n’ jacks** section.  Did I really just do the 60 second sprint without stopping??  Again, I hadn’t attempted this workout routine for a while, in fact, I was now probably 20lbs lighter since the last time I tried it.  Wow… losing weight sure does make exercise feel different.  This revelation may not mean anything to anyone else, but it’s something I’ve never experienced before…. I wondered to myself… could it be that one day exercise might be….easy??  “Nahh.” My brain quickly ruled it out, “Easier probably, but not easy”.
** Due to BCC, I had to do a jump without jacks..., that is, no hand movements due to hands acting as sports bra reinforcement...

My Attempt To Exercise: Part 2

Boob Challenged

I was at the top of the mountain, my heart pounding against my chest, my lungs heaving to repay the oxygen debt within.  I sank to the ground and looked out and down at the way I had come.  There was the car, a dot in the distance.  Was that my mother down there?  Could she see me as I waved?    There was Davley—just about caught up with me, despite the fact that I had a 10minute head start.  If I could pull off the next 5 minutes without a heart attack or fainting, I knew I had done good.  The only thing left would be to get back down.  I looked at the steep incline and spoke words of encouragement to myself “Going up is the hard part!  Going down should be a piece of cake! But wouldn’t that be great, now? A piece of cake?  Soft molten chocolate cake….”  “Y’all ready??” Davley interrupted my thoughts, “Ready to head back down?”  Grrr, I moaned… but I got up, “Yup, let’s go!”  Swishhh, Johann zoomed past me once again, “See you down therrreee!” he shouted as he ran down.   Davley began to jog in descent.  Great.   Should I jog too?  I didn’t want to trip and fall, nor did I want to put excessive pressure on my knees.  I opted for a quick walk in diagonal lines.  I remembered someone telling me that the best way to get down a hill was to walk in diagonal lines. And it was supposed to help relieve the pressure on the knees as well. But was it diagonal lines going down… or had they said going up??  Either way, my diagonal lines were keeping me back.  I decided to do my power walk/jog thing….knees ok?  Check.  Still upright? Check. Sports bra?  Nope.  I had to stop. Even if I had worn one, I doubt it would have made a difference.  My boobs were bouncing up and down threatening to knock me out.  This can’t work. I slowed to a tip toe.  Davley, from further down stops to check on me, “What is wrong with you?? What are you doing?”  “I can’t go any faster! My boobs are getting in the way!” “What?”  “My boobs are getting in the way!!”   With an impatient look and sound she responds, “Can’t you just hold them and run?”  With a flurry of indignance I say, “Well no need to be snotty!”  “ I’m not being snotty!” she counter responds. “Well, you’re being discriminatory—towards my boobs. You’re a boob discriminator!”  I could hear her heavy sigh as she turned to resume her jog down.  Once again, I was getting left behind.  Ah, to heck with it, I’d just run. “Woo-hoooo!!” went my warrior cry and I broke out into a run! Immediately my brain went off “Bad idea! Bad idea!”  But gravity was increasing my speed without my consent. Like shifting plate tectonics on steroids, my boobs bounced into my chin….whooooooooa… I tripped over a stick that my chest had blocked from sight…. I screeched to a halt as the epiphany flooded my mind:  When it comes to exercise, I am boob-challenged (see graph below).  I thought of all the other women out there in the world with my same predicament.  It seemed unfair… Johann was almost at the car and Davley was way ahead of me.  I didn’t want to be last.  My competitive nature kicked in.  If I could defy the elements, I could defy my boobs.  Grabbing them with my hands, I ran.  I ran like the wind and never looked back. Not even as I passed Davley shouting, “See ya sucker!”  I ran and ran and ran until I reached the car.  I did my victory dance and collapsed against the car.  I had kicked butt at exercise today.  

My Attempt to Exercise: Part 1

If this was the apocalypse, I'd be dead.

“Let’s go for a hike!” was my son’s suggestion to fill our Sabbath Afternoon.  “Sure!  A Sabbath afternoon hike!”  I said with the joy that comes from a quick mental decision to put mind over matter and view physical activity with a positive attitude.    We decided to tackle one of the mountains in the valley, driving up to a halfway spot where there was a construction site.  Choosing to explore the site a bit before heading up, we walked down a path that could possibly lead us back to the main road.  It felt good to be up and about-- I was dressed for the occasion in my newly acquired “exercise” clothes, feeling the spring of my sneakers and inhaling the fresh, crisp air.  To the left we could view another mountain and to the right we could see the plains... well, we could see the plains if the dark clouds and sheets of rain weren’t covering it… “Oh, oh…” I said as saw the dark rain clouds moving towards us.  “The dark is coming!”  I said, trying to sound all Lord Of the Rings-esque.  Davley glanced up “We should head back to the car” she said with an undertone of urgent, “It’s coming fast”.  She did an about turn and started to jog.  Johann lingered and I turned to follow Davley with a fast walk.  “The dark is coming, The dark is coming” I continued to joke, repeating the reference that nobody had really acknowledged the first time. I paused to catch my breath… we were going up a slight incline…   “I can do this!” I encouraged myself and started a jog…Davley, now way ahead turned slightly and said, “It’s coming fast—you should hurry!”  “But I am!! Can’t you see that I’m jogging??!??”  “Oh” She says and turns back around.  I hear a verbalized sound effect of “Shwing!” as Johann zooms past me and catches up with Davley in what seemed like a leap and a bound.  As I got left behind, it hit me… the state of fitness that I was in--  If this was the apocalypse behind me, I’d be dead.  

I felt discouraged and decided to lash out at Johann. “Johann!” I called out, “If this was the apocalypse, I wouldn’t make it!  And you just zoomed by me with a “Shwing” without even a thought to grab my hand and pull me along as you ran saying “It’s ok Mother, I got you, I’ll get us to safety!”  He gave me a weird look and I could hear the rain gaining on me… I felt the first drop hit my head and pictured myself being engulfed by a big ball of apocalyptic fire and swallowed up by the earth. I felt sad. Pit-pat; pit-pat the drops fell… Davley was entering the car, but Johann had the decency to wait for me… As I got closer he challenged, “Wanna keep going?”  I shook off my discouragement!  This wasn’t the apocalypse.  This was exercise.  And daggone it, a little rain (as menacing as the clouds looked) would not stop me.  I would defy the rain, the wind.  I extended my arms and shouted to the sky “I DEFY THE ELEMENTS!!”  I glanced at Johann, “You think lightening might hit us as we get nearer to the top?”  We debated but kept pushing forward, our determination in our steps.  The rain’s intensity seemed to increase as the incline increased. “WOO-HOOOO!!”  I screamed recklessly into the wind. The car was becoming smaller with distance and the plains were further away.  I narrated out loud to Johann, “I can feel the rain mingling with the sweat of my brow”.  “Don’t say another word, mother,” He responded, “If lightening strikes and you die, those are the last words I want to hear from you.” I looked at him, “What???”  Putting an arm around me he says, “That’s ok mom, you spoiled it.  Let’s keep going.”  I looked up. As fast as the rains had come, they had gone. We kept going.